The Holiday season comes upon us and it is a time of joy for many families, but it is also a time for arguments for others. My posts this month will look at how to resolve these conflicts and by communication.
How does a lawsuit begin? Most times it is out of an argument – two people disagreeing about who or what is right. Life is filled with difficult conversations. In the aging field these involve parents, children and spouses and these can lead to explosive family court battles. How can one stop a lawsuit before it begins? By having the parties talk to each other and working it out.
But. Too many “conversations” are really two monologues delivered simultaneously. Each person is not hearing what the other is saying. In that vein, I would like to introduce the concept of “active listening.” I do not believe that it is the solution to disagreements. Listening is a necessary part of a conversation, but it is not the whole conversation.
Let’s consider the first step, hearing the other person.
So. Let’s say Mom has had yet another fall in her house. Or, Dad’s car has another dent or scrape. On top of the myriad other little things that are going wrong, we know it is time for them to move to a safer living situation. We know we could file for guardianship in probate court and take control of their lives. How would that affect our relationship? What if other siblings still believe the myth that “Mom and Dad” are alright? We could have a poisonous court battle. Would it not be better if Mom or Dad would agree?
How do we have that conversation? What are they thinking? At this point “active listening” is essential. Now what is wonderful about this concept is that it involves more than listening. In the elder law context, we may call it “respectful listening.” For example, we could probably check our phone for messages while Dad gives the same tired and flimsy explanation about the damage to his car. But, then Dad would likely give our part of the conversation the same consideration.
What I like about the active listening concept is that it combines listening and respect for the other’s position. With those established we can plan for the best possible result. Read about it here. The skill of active listening
In the next post we will discuss other issues in producing positive results through conversation.