This month we’ve been considering communication in the elder law context. In this post I’d like to talk about the most important conversation and that is between the child and the aging parent. These happen often during the Holidays. Children may notice a big change since they saw their parent last. Siblings may whisper “Mom is not doing as well as she usually does.”
How does one have “the conversation” without being shut out by the parent?
Let’s say that Mom is in her mid-80’s. Dad died some years ago from a heart attack. She adapted well to living alone, but the children have noticed problems. Oldest daughter reports that some bills have been paid late. Her housekeeping, while adequate is not as immaculate as before. She seems to have cut back on social activities that got her out of the house many times a week. Finally, she dropped in a conversation that she takes a “memory pill” her doctor prescribed along with her daily vitamin. She said it is just supposed to prevent memory loss.
It is clear that Mom is declining and needs help. She may not be able to live alone much longer, but she says she does not want or need any help. She is just getting old and “needs to try a little bit harder. Old age isn’t easy you know.”
How do you get started? One of the best books I’ve read on the subject of elder care is written by Joy Loverde, called The Complete Elder Care Planner, published by Three Rivers Press. You might even find it in you local library. I’ll be writing a review of her book in a later post, but here I would like to bring in some of her practical tips.
Create a partnership: The first step is to contemplate a partnership, not a takeover. You are the junior partner. Your job is to approach the senior partner. In other words, you are still the child of your parent.
Ask Questions: One of Loverde’s key strategies is to ask questions. How do you get a conversation started? Ask questions. Frame them in Parent-Child terms. I’ll quote a couple examples but for more, buy this book!
Ask for advice: “Mom I’m beginning to think about planning for my retirement, and it looks like you are doing well. Do you have any tips for me?”
Refer to experience or authority: relay the experience of a coworker, or print out an article, about a family that had to hire a lawyer and go to probate court just because her mother didn’t have a “power of attorney.” Finish the report with “Isn’t that outrageous?”
Ask for a favor: “Mom, I need a favor. Beth needs money for school. Will you let her clean your house so she can earn some something?”
Ask for the solution: Finally, Joy recommends using the question method throughout the problems solving process. Once a problem has been identified you might ask “What do you plan to do to solve this problem? “ And “Have you thought about other options if your plans don’t work out?”
The brilliance of her method is that it eases the parent’s natural fear that “the kids are trying to take over” and that it keeps the parent involved in the process. There is much more in her very practical book, The Complete Eldercare Planner. Get it.
Finally I want to note that a good part of Joy’s structure mirrors that of Zig Ziglar. Great minds think alike. More about Zig in an upcoming post.
Wishing you all the best,
Jim